Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
