Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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