In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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