I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
