your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize