I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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