Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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