i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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