Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
