so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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