shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
