and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
