please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
