My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize