if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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