apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
