wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
