How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
