Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
