I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
