I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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