Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
