all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
