Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
