As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
