im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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