It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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