we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
