Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
