I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
