I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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