There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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