He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
