And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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