YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
