Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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