Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
