Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
