my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
