How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
