I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
