I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
