Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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