Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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