I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
