I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
