Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
