mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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