You're completely useless in the revolution.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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