I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize