hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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