So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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