I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
