is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
