It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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