I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize