He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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