i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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