I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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