Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
