I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
