i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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